So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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