apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
