All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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