I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
