I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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