Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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