my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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