If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
