talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
