That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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