I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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