Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You ate ashes out of my bong
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
