Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
