I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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