he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
