I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
