Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
