yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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