My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
