I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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