Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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