My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
