Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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