the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
