Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
