I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Send help, water and tortillas.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
