I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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