why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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