If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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