Your face is a jimmy john
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
