One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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