I accidentally burped into my bong.
You can't motorboat a personality
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
