tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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