I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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