Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
