Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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