Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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