I hate your face
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
