It's Friday. Sex?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
