I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
