if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
