Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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