Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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