under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
