Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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