My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
