Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
