I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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