when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
