He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
