I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you traded sex for a burrito?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
